Blog

My blog is about to move one more time,  mostly because I am switching to wordpress, and I think I am going to buy my own domain. I will let you know when Iget everything set up =)

Wal Mart Deal

I know, normally I am not a “coupon” blogger, however amazing deal for you weight loss bloggers:

 

All You magazine is on clearance for $1.88 at Wal Mart, in it is a coupon for $5 off Just My Size sportswear, JMS is on clearance for $1-$3 at most Wal Marts, so the overage of $2-$4 will be taken off the rest of your purchase. (Thanks Hip2Save).

Blog Purposes

As many of you know, or as I have mentioned before, this blog isn’t just about weightloss, or about health in general, it is about a lot of stuff. Over the next couple of months I hope you guys follow me in my quest to:

• Get myself out of the little debt I am in.
• Save up at least 3 months worth of bill money.
• Learn about my son, and how to raise him to be healthy and happy.
• Learn about my own mental health, and do what I need to do.
• Start taking care of myself, mentally, and physically.
• Help get William out of his major debt, and pay off his court fines [he will be paying for most of this, but having it done with will help us develop our emergency fund, etc. so I will be helping]
• Much, much more.

I have a lot of goals, and I know they will take a while, so am going to start focusing on 3 at a time. Just 3. If I can focus on 3 then I can do much, much more. Here are my first 3:

1. Pay $50 to T-mobile
2. Make a doctor’s appointment with my OB, to get the continuous bleeding checked out.
3. Have my inhaler refilled. Have been having mild panic attacks again, and can’t afford to run out of /that/ anytime soon.

These seem like doable goals. As I finish one, I will add another. I will try to update these goals weekly. As you can see there are no weightloss related ones, as I am still working on what I want to do in that aspect. I almost want to start medifast, I see how well it worked for Lynn, however I know it won’t work for everyone, and results vary per person. I also kinda wanna try weightwatchers, or maybe some Zumba, I will decide, eventually. But for now, one thing at a time for a healthier, happier me.

Thank You..

for all the positive comments telling me I am not wrong for how I am feeling. It’s great to see that I am not the only one with negative feelings towards someone close, someone that society expects you to love unconditionally.

Lately has been bad, I cry on an almost daily basis, I want to seek counseling, but don’t want her questioning, asking why I feel I need counseling, when it’s obvious I need it, but she will say I don’t, will ridicule me for it. I need it to help heal how messed up I am, mostly because of her, also because other aspects of my past. I don’t want to cry in front of my son when he’s old enough to understand, and how it is I cry all the time, every time my mom gets to me, simply because I can’t deal anymore.

I get off from a ridiculously long day at work today, call her, and first thing she does is cuss at me over crap that I have no control over. It’s like this daily.

This is why I have no motivation to blog, my life is negative right now, except for Demetri, and I don’t want to be one of the mom’s who post every milestone online, one that annoys her readers with information about her son, so I try to avoid the subject, except in passing.

I don’t want to post negative posts, but my blog is my only outlet, and the only way I feel I have support. Lately feeling good enough, and feeling like I have anyone are rare occasions, so comments may help ?

Cold-Hearted, and I Don’t Care

Last night Erin and I had a very deep conversation, but before I get into that I am going to explain why I have been so MIA.

All of my readers know that I just recently had a baby, well that baby recently had RSV and was hospitalized for about a week. It was so hard. I also went back to work last week, which is stressful, but so worth it. I am not going to lie, I missed my job, I missed my boss, and I missed my awesome crew. I normally gripe that I hate my job, but I don’t, it just gets stressful. I am so happy to be back, and not just for the much needed paycheck.

Now onto, my deep conversation with Erin on gmail last night. I always say I have a hard life at home, but never explain why. Time to try to group my thoughts and explain. My mom seems to have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. She screams, a lot, and never is really nice to anyone. She yells for stupid reasons, and lets her [27-year-old] son walk all over her. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but she is overall not a very good person. I made a huge discovery last night. I can’t find any love for her, anywhere, no matter how hard I search. I have pure hatred for her most of the time, and most people seem to think this makes me a cold-hearted bitch. Honestly, I don’t care what other people seem to think, the aren’t here when I’m getting told I suck, when I cook for her for hours and get yelled at if I do one thing wrong. She insults me, she has called me fat, and when I try to lose weight she buys me tons of junk food. She doesn’t support me in anything that I do, and I honestly am exhausted from it all. I want to raise my son to be the best he can be, and to know that I love him unconditionally no matter what mistakes he makes.

After this conversation, and Erin making sure I understood I am not cold-hearted, I crashed for the night, and woke up feeling almost like a new person. I fell asleep feeling emotionally exhausted, and still crying, but woke up feeling so much better. Then I remembered I can’t afford to move out, and am still stuck here for awhile, and my world came crashing, but now I know I just have to do everything I can to save money and get my son and I out of her house.

 

Please, no comments telling me I’m hateful, cold-hearted, or anything of the such. You don’t know the half of it, and you don’t put up with it 24/7. Thank you .

8 more days

Until May. Which is when I’m supposed to get back on track, which I am not prepared for. However, I have some free time this week, so have a feeling it’s time to finish planning. Including grocery list for first week of May, and then meal planning for the rest of the month. I have discovered my local library has loads of cookbooks, so I am slowly checking them out, and saving recipes I like to Microsoft Word. Then, I also have to decide what workout plan I want, and honestly I have no idea. I think I am going to do “The Starter’s Plan” which I pictured here. They also have Levels 1-3 that come with that,so may do Starters-Level 3 while working on my own plan. I know the Starter’s was enough to get my heart rate up, so it will be a start. With meal plans I am not calorie counting at all, that comes later on, first I need to get myself actually eating the right amount of foods a day. Seriously, I haven’t eaten 3 meals a day in ages, and this is something I need to work on. May will be a test month, June will be getting everything perfected. Honestly, my main goal right now is to have everything ready and in a routine by August. This gives myself a while.

 

I am going to go work on a grocery list for the first week, and going through these cookbooks. I will explain why I have been MIA later in the week, and will also post my plan as I develop one.

Skipped Weigh-In

Well, weighing it didn't happen today, but I have a reason. This week, Aunt Flo decided to visit, even though I asked her to wait a couple months after the c-section. She just never listens does she? She decided I needed junk food, and lots of it, and she didn't want none of that water stuff, she wanted empty calories and sugar via Diet Sunkist.

I know, I need to learn to kick her cravings, but this week I did bad, and between the eating and the bloating that naturally comes during this time of month, I gave up, and decided one week skipping the scale won't kill me. I am thinking of skipping the scale for the rest of the month, why? Because I can't afford grocery shopping, so am stuck eating what my mom buys. Uh yeah, you don't even wanna know lol, let's just say almost all of it is processed. I go back to work in less than a week, and May 2nd will be my first paycheck, making May easier to be on plan. Opinions? I may stay on the scale just to keep myself from gaining TOO much..hmm..

Weigh in; 4/3/2011

William and I woke up and forgot to weigh in until after we had drank some soda, so this number may not be completely accurate:

William: 144.6 (-1.6)

Caitlin: 200.6  (-1.2)

The Pain..

Okay, so lately I have kinda failed, but also had some victories at the same time. I feel like doing anything is a chore, even moving, because I am still in severe pain from my c-section. I have been told this isn’t normal, beings I’m 4 weeks post-partum, but I am just sucking it up until my 6 week appointment [April 15th], and then I will bring it up if it’s still bad. I still have some pain meds left, but when I’m out of these I know I won’t be able to get a refill, so hoping they last that long, because the Ibuprofen they gave me along with the pain meds don’t touch the pain..

I have been 90% sticking to the meal plans. April 1st my mom decided to have a cookout, so instead of our planned dinner we had that. On the 2nd, she offered to bring us home food from where she was, so instead of the planned dinner, we had that. For today we switched Thursday’s lunch with today’s because it’s what William is in the mood for, however it will not cost more money, so that is fine. I am really trying to work on budgeting. I want my credit score to go up, I was accepted for my first credit card and right now I am working on charging very little to it, and paying it off on time.

However, since I can’t go back to work until April 18th, almost all grocery’s are going on it. However I have enough saved for minimum payment, and my first paycheck will be going to paying it off. Trust me, the last thing I want is a bad credit rate, I see how it effects the rest of my family. I plan on doing this right.

Also, I agreed as part of Choose Your Own Challenge that I would drink 64 oz of water everyday in April. So far so good! As part of my own goals I decided to try to introduce working out into my life, even though I was unfit before my c-section, and with the pain of the c-section it is definitely not easy. I found this on Pinterest (my newfound addiction thanks to Chibi Jeebs):

I have done Day 1 & 2, and while it left me mildly breathless, showing me exactly how out of shape I really am, it has also left me feeling very proud of myself. There is also a Level 1, 2, and 3, which I will post when I get to them. I have been having to do the work-outs outside, which isn’t fun with the cold ground and crunches, but I will live. I think after Day 20 I will do a “physical fitness” type thing. Amazingly William is 100% supportive about everything. He is drinking 64 oz of water with me, despite him really not liking water, and he is doing the workouts with me. That, however, is for his own reasons. When we got together he was very fit, but he got off track when we moved in with my parents, and has gained quite a bit of weight, and lost most of the muscle he had, so he wants to get it back.. However, the starters ones are leaving him almost as breathless as me, so it’s good he’s starting out small . Oh and a question, what exactly are leg lifts? I am not quite to those, but I have realized I have no idea what they are. I have ideas, but am unsure, may have to google but figured I’d enlist in my trusty followers first..

Now, I should be sleeping, but after a stressful night with Demetri I am staying up to unwind a little bit, and the first step was blogging

Nature Vs. Nurture

Anybody who has taken even the most basic of psychology courses knows what nature vs. nurture is, but in case this isn’t you I will briefly explain it. Nature vs. Nurture is the likelihood of genetics or environment impacting the person you become, it is a debate that is normally right down the middle.

The normal way to test this is to find siblings whom were split up at a young age for whatever reason, and to compare their personalities. Think “Parent Trap” type thing.

I was never sure where I stood on this until I began to assess my own life. When I was around the age of 5, for whatever reason, my mother gave me to my cousin. At the age of 7, my cousin adopted me. I was with her until the age of 13, when due to some ignorant, and devastating circumstances, got given back to my mother. The main learning phases I was with my “step mom”, however my older brother was still with my biological mom. With me so far?

I still live with my mom, and honestly am to the point I can’t wait to get out. My brother thinks this lifestyle is completely normal, while I see the flaws in it. My environment influenced me deeply in the younger ages, because my personality, my intelligence, my motivation, and much more are different than my brothers. My brother is just like my mother, however I see very few similarities between myself and my mother. Of course there are a few, as genetics does account for a minority, however the majority comes from environment, and trust me, I am living proof. My mother and my brother have always been very obese, however I stayed very active the whole time I lived with my step mom, and when I moved back in with my mom I was normal weight. However the pounds quickly packed on, because I was always told I was anorexic, and was told I wasn’t eating right, because I didn’t finish my plate. Their favorite dinner is 3,000 calories for a bowl, I wonder why I didn’t finish it [/sarcasm].

The other day I asked my step mom a little about my childhood from where I couldn’t remember. I was greeted with some shocking, and upsetting facts. When I was 2 weeks old my mom was mixing jello packets into water, and putting it in my bottle and giving it to me. At 3 months old she was giving me mashed potatoes off of her finger. When my brother was 14 he went to school with an empty bread wrapper full of Little Debbie snack cakes, as his lunch. She had packed it for him.

Now? My brother goes through a box of nutty bars in one sitting. He is 100% addicted to sugar, and eats it nonstop. He is also over 300 pounds. You are telling me this is genetic? No. It stemmed from how he was raised, and the fact that I recognize this is wrong, that stems from being raised in a completely different environment.

April’s Plan of Attack

As many of you know on March 5th I gave birth to my first child, Demetri. After a week or two at home, as I began to heal, and the swelling from the fluids at the hospital went down, I immediately lost the pregnancy weight. Well, I didn’t gain during pregnancy, so I lost the baby weight. I was down to 198, which is the lowest I have been in over 5 years, and I was super excited. However, in the past week I threw most of the work away, and am up to 202, which is still low for me. My normal weight is between 215-220. However, it still upset me, because I never wanted to see a 2 behind my weight again. However, I am not going to worry about it for the rest of March, I am not going to eat horribly, but am not going to obsess over the number. In April, my plan begins.

 

The plan:

• 64+ oz of water everyday
• Stick to meal plans. These are not calorie counted, but are better than sporadically eating, and eating things like donuts and cookies and potato chips.
• Start introducing physical activity in, without overdoing it.

These seem very doable. I am unsure how to introduce physical activity in, as I am still not supposed to lift more than the weight of Demetri, and am supposed to try not to “overdo” things, however I am unsure what overdoing it is. I know walking around Wal Mart is enough to put me in excruciating pain, however I want to be able to take walks, so am wondering if the pain is just something I will have to deal with. Maybe just a walk a day, but then I have to be sure I have someone with me.

 

Last week I had a WIC appointment, and was informed that my iron was low, they also gave me my blood pressure numbers, which as a CNA I know was low. My iron was 8, and my blood pressure was 92/70. For these reasons I have felt overtired, and over stressed, not an ideal combination for a new mom whom is tired and stressed enough. Have been taking vitamins for this, but so far no change in how I feel. Am just taking Flintstone Vitamins (I’m a puss, and it has an adult dosage!), any other pills I should be taking to help with iron/overall fatigue?

Depressing Weigh In

William: 146.2
Me: 201.8

+3.8

Initial Weigh In:

Today I weighed in for the first official weigh in since Demetri was born, and I actually liked the results. I do not plan on 100% starting the diet until April 1st, however I am going to try to watch somewhat. William is going to try to do this with me, as since we moved down here he got into a routine of eating junk, and has gained weight and became pretty unhealthy himself, but he is in no way overweight, he mostly wants to get his muscle back, lol.

The results?

Caitlin: 198.0

William: 146.4

I haven’t been under 200 pounds since I was about..15? 14? This excites me more than you can imagine. My goal until April 1st is to not let myself go back over 200, but this is an official weigh in, which means William and I will be weighing in every Sunday morning, even before April 1st.

The overall goal: 135 by January 1, 2012. Can I do it? We will have to see….

Initial Weigh In:

Today I weighed in for the first official weigh in since Demetri was born, and I actually liked the results. I do not plan on 100% starting the diet until April 1st, however I am going to try to watch somewhat. William is going to try to do this with me, as since we moved down here he got into a routine of eating junk, and has gained weight and became pretty unhealthy himself, but he is in no way overweight, he mostly wants to get his muscle back, lol.

The results?

Caitlin: 198.0

William: 146.4

I haven’t been under 200 pounds since I was about..15? 14? This excites me more than you can imagine. My goal until April 1st is to not let myself go back over 200, but this is an official weigh in, which means William and I will be weighing in every Sunday morning, even before April 1st.

The overall goal: 135 by January 1, 2012. Can I do it? We will have to see….

A Few Realizations

I have had a few major realizations in the past few days; the major one is about my water intake problems. When I was in the hospital recovering after having Demetri I chose water over diet coke. Multiple times, I chose water. William bought me a diet coke, and the nurse bought me a huge 32oz glass of water, I drank about 1/4 of the bottle of diet coke, and then downed the glass of water. When I moved in with William in Peoria we were broke, water is cheaper than soda, and if we couldn’t afford bottled water there was always tap water. I do not dislike water, at all. I actually prefer water, and love how water makes me feel. However, when at home it seems as if diet coke is my comfort zone. As is junk food. They help me feel comfortable with my surroundings, and with my family, being comfortable isn’t easy. Isn’t the weight loss journey about getting out of your comfort zone? But how do you do that when you already are so far out of your comfort zone in every other aspect in life? I am a new mother, a full time student, and trying to find a balance in life. Adding water in scares me, but I don’t know why. I’m already terrified as is, and am even more afraid of changing my life than I am of motherhood.

 

Another realization is how insecure I am. In the past 2 weeks here are a few thoughts that have entered my head more than once:

• Taking narcotics to help with the pain from the c-section makes me a bad mother.
• Making William take care of Demetri makes me a bad mother.
• Making William take care of Demetri makes me a bad fiancé.
• The fact that I am not healed yet makes me weak.
• The fact that my hormones are all messed up makes me weak.
• Being scared makes me weak, a bad mother, and a bad fiancé.

Those are just a handful of the thoughts that have entered my mind, part of me wonders if all of this is normal.

Anyway, this is all for now, those are just a few realizations I have had.

Small Update

ABC’s of Me

Saw this from the lovely Karen and the lovely Katie J and wanted to steal it.

Age: 19

Bed size:Full size.

Chore you hate: All of em lol. Mostly dishes, however

 Dogs: Nothank you!

Essential start of your day: Kissing Demetri on the forehead and feeding him.

Fave color: Green

Gold or silver: Silver

Height: 5' 5”

Instruments I play:  Now, none, but I used too.

Job title: Manager

Kids: Demetri Ray

Live: Southern Illinois

Mom’s name: Cathy Lynn

Nicknames: None, really lol

Overnight hospital stays: The only one that I can think of is my c-section a few days ago.

Pet peeve:  The sound of popping muscles

Quote from a movie: “You’re a mean girl, Cady, you’re a bitch!” –Janice Ian; Mean Girls lol

Right or left handed: Right

Siblings: 5 brothers

Time you wake up:  Never had a time, but that will be changing soon.

Underwear: Haha, absolutely

Veg you dislike: A lot of em lol

What makes you run late: Facebook
X-rays you have had done: Too many to count!

Yummy food you make: Not sure, lol.

Zoo Animal, favorite:Hmmm…Chimpanzees lol

43 hours down..

105 to go.

 

It has been… an experience. I honestly don’t see a lot of difference, except when I go out somewhere, or when I just go to get a drink in general, I have to make a conscious decision instead of just grabbing.

 

Today for example; we went to Wal Mart and was going to run through drive-thru on the way home. We wanted to grab drinks at Wal Mart; and I grabbed a diet coke. However, then William mentioned to me what I grabbed; so I put it back =)

Lately we have been working on getting the room ready for Demetri to come;  26 days left till my due date.

Getting close; eh? We are super excited, and these weekly doctors appointments actually excite me because I can see how everything is progressing. So far baby is in position; but no dilation; At 38 weeks or so will begin walking more and doing natural labor inducers.

48 more hours left for comments on my challenge. So far at 9.5 days; so only 7.5 more to go. Add some more to make my challenge harder!

Challenge

Okay folks, it’s time for this blog’s first challenge. That’s right, you guys challenge me. First some backstory:
When I first got pregnant I said I would cut back on caffeine, easier said then done. Especially when I realized I am truly addicted to caffeine. Start shaking, can’t function without, addicted. So before long, these were reintroduced into my life. Yes, diet cokes, one of the worst types of soda. A few months later I began having contractions, super early. We got that under control, but last week I was reading something that says “women who drink more than 4 DIET sodas a day during pregnancy are 80% more likely to have premature children” Uh, 4? I have like 6 + a day. That may explain why I’m at risk for premature labor. Not completely, but I’m sure it didn’t help.
Now, I am due in 5 weeks, and still have not kicked the caffeine habit, that is where you guys come in.
For every /real/ comment I get on this post I will go 6 hours without diet soda. No limit of how many per person, but they must be real comments, such as words of encouragement, recipes, or anything really as long as it is not just random letters. I have few readers on this blog, but plan on asking my amazing friend, Matthew, to help get this post some publicity, because I am hoping for one week without soda. Also, everyday without soda I will post how I feel, and what I drank to replace it.

Edit: I almost forgot to add; I will begin the no-soda challenge Sunday; February 6th,at midnight. However, comments are not closed until Wednesday, February 16th.

2011, my year…

I say this on a daily basis, yet I do nothing to work towards it. During lit today I wrote up a morning and evening routine, and instead of waiting until next week like I normally would do, it starts tomorrow morning. PERIOD! No ifs, ands, or buts. I have to do this, for me,for my unborn child, I have 5 weeks to become who I need to be for him. I want to raise a healthy, strong, intelligent boy. I don’t want to set him up for failure, yet that is where I am headed.

Morning Routine

• wake up [obviously]
• make hot chocolate; 15 mins quiet time [reading]
• pour coffee for william, make breakfast, eat
• shower, wash face, brush teeth, brush hair
• get dressed; online stuff
• study/get ready for day homework wise

Evening Routine

• wash face, brush teeth, brush hair
• 30 mins quiet time

if not tired by 9pm take a benadryl

Okay..Here goes

A real blog post is way overdue, so here is my attempt to actually write, something I have had little motivation for lately.

So what’s been going on with me?

• I started a new semester after finishing last with decent, but worse than planned grades.
• I am now 33 weeks pregnant. Wow.
• I worked solely as a manager at BK for awhile, and now I am back to manager/crew, and am getting shit hours. Though I am okay with this, because it means I can keep working and not have to go on maternity leave.

This is about it…Honestly it is. I have been keeping up on reading blogs, you know I couldn’t quit doing that, but as far as motivation it’s just been lacking. In every aspect of life, honestly. I feel tired, all the time, and I never want to get out of bed. I force myself out of bed for school, but I have no morning routine, and I need one. If nothing else to prepare for motherhood. I have none. If I feel like showering, I do, if not I just do it when I get home. If I feel like eating breakfast, I will, if not oh well, I will pick up a candy bar from the bookstore when my stomach starts getting upset. And if I simply don’t want to crawl out of bed until time to leave, I don’t. This is not good behavior for somebody who will be a mother in less than 2 months.

However, the first step in any process is admitting that you need to change. I need to change, majorly. When I give birth I want to be able to have a ready routine, I don’t want to go crazy because I’m lost and still trying to find myself while raising Demetri to be a healthy boy. I want to get used to eating healthy for myself, so that when he begins to grow older it’s easier to get him to eat healthier with me. I don’t want to have to hide vegetables in his foods, I want him to think it’s normal to eat veggies.

 

Wow, when I began this post I had no motivation to write, yet now it’s all coming out, and it is a decent sized post, however I feel like I’m falling asleep, and need to get off and eat. Maybe another post later tonight, or tomorrow? Boy I hope so.

Rawr

I promise a real post will be up by this weekend, lack of motivation = lack of blogging as well.