Monday, April 25, 2011

Cold-Hearted, and I Don’t Care

Last night Erin and I had a very deep conversation, but before I get into that I am going to explain why I have been so MIA.

All of my readers know that I just recently had a baby, well that baby recently had RSV and was hospitalized for about a week. It was so hard. I also went back to work last week, which is stressful, but so worth it. I am not going to lie, I missed my job, I missed my boss, and I missed my awesome crew. I normally gripe that I hate my job, but I don’t, it just gets stressful. I am so happy to be back, and not just for the much needed paycheck.

Now onto, my deep conversation with Erin on gmail last night. I always say I have a hard life at home, but never explain why. Time to try to group my thoughts and explain. My mom seems to have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. She screams, a lot, and never is really nice to anyone. She yells for stupid reasons, and lets her [27-year-old] son walk all over her. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but she is overall not a very good person. I made a huge discovery last night. I can’t find any love for her, anywhere, no matter how hard I search. I have pure hatred for her most of the time, and most people seem to think this makes me a cold-hearted bitch. Honestly, I don’t care what other people seem to think, the aren’t here when I’m getting told I suck, when I cook for her for hours and get yelled at if I do one thing wrong. She insults me, she has called me fat, and when I try to lose weight she buys me tons of junk food. She doesn’t support me in anything that I do, and I honestly am exhausted from it all. I want to raise my son to be the best he can be, and to know that I love him unconditionally no matter what mistakes he makes.

After this conversation, and Erin making sure I understood I am not cold-hearted, I crashed for the night, and woke up feeling almost like a new person. I fell asleep feeling emotionally exhausted, and still crying, but woke up feeling so much better. Then I remembered I can’t afford to move out, and am still stuck here for awhile, and my world came crashing, but now I know I just have to do everything I can to save money and get my son and I out of her house.


Please, no comments telling me I’m hateful, cold-hearted, or anything of the such. You don’t know the half of it, and you don’t put up with it 24/7. Thank you Smile.


  1. Unfortunately, you will likely run into a lot of people who will think you're all of those things simply because they've never had to deal with a family member like that and just can't imagine. An old supervisor once told me I "needed" to patch things up with my grandparents because "they're your GRANDPARENTS! *gasp*" I looked her in the eye and told her that, until she'd walked a mile in my shoes, she had no place to judge me or make grand proclamations of what I *should* do.

    You do what's best for YOU, end of discussion.

  2. Of course, I ditto what Chibi said. When people found out how much I detested my birth father (even after being told WHY) I would often hear "But he's your father/John's grandfather and just think of how you'll feel if he dies before you patch things up." You know what? He died and I wanted to throw a goddamn party over it when I found out. He & my brother (who may or may not still be alive -- don't know, don't rightly care) were toxic. No way in HELL I was going to let them anywhere near me or my child if I could help it. Save your money up & get the hell out of there and if you never look back or call or anything of the sort? No judgement from here! Just hugs ... always hugs ...

  3. I ditto what both of these ladies said..But I'm pretty sure you already knew that based on our conversations before! :)

    I know that you'll be able to do this, to break the cycle and to make a better life for you and the people you love - and you deserve that.

    I hope you're able to hold onto the positive feelings and emotions and work with those..the other feelings can be so overwhelming - but you've gotta use the positive rush to get you through all of the bad and to the light at the end of the tunnel :)

    Much love xoxo