Last night Erin and I had a very deep conversation, but before I get into that I am going to explain why I have been so MIA.
All of my readers know that I just recently had a baby, well that baby recently had RSV and was hospitalized for about a week. It was so hard. I also went back to work last week, which is stressful, but so worth it. I am not going to lie, I missed my job, I missed my boss, and I missed my awesome crew. I normally gripe that I hate my job, but I don’t, it just gets stressful. I am so happy to be back, and not just for the much needed paycheck.
Now onto, my deep conversation with Erin on gmail last night. I always say I have a hard life at home, but never explain why. Time to try to group my thoughts and explain. My mom seems to have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. She screams, a lot, and never is really nice to anyone. She yells for stupid reasons, and lets her [27-year-old] son walk all over her. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but she is overall not a very good person. I made a huge discovery last night. I can’t find any love for her, anywhere, no matter how hard I search. I have pure hatred for her most of the time, and most people seem to think this makes me a cold-hearted bitch. Honestly, I don’t care what other people seem to think, the aren’t here when I’m getting told I suck, when I cook for her for hours and get yelled at if I do one thing wrong. She insults me, she has called me fat, and when I try to lose weight she buys me tons of junk food. She doesn’t support me in anything that I do, and I honestly am exhausted from it all. I want to raise my son to be the best he can be, and to know that I love him unconditionally no matter what mistakes he makes.
After this conversation, and Erin making sure I understood I am not cold-hearted, I crashed for the night, and woke up feeling almost like a new person. I fell asleep feeling emotionally exhausted, and still crying, but woke up feeling so much better. Then I remembered I can’t afford to move out, and am still stuck here for awhile, and my world came crashing, but now I know I just have to do everything I can to save money and get my son and I out of her house.
Please, no comments telling me I’m hateful, cold-hearted, or anything of the such. You don’t know the half of it, and you don’t put up with it 24/7. Thank you .