Thank You..

for all the positive comments telling me I am not wrong for how I am feeling. It’s great to see that I am not the only one with negative feelings towards someone close, someone that society expects you to love unconditionally.

Lately has been bad, I cry on an almost daily basis, I want to seek counseling, but don’t want her questioning, asking why I feel I need counseling, when it’s obvious I need it, but she will say I don’t, will ridicule me for it. I need it to help heal how messed up I am, mostly because of her, also because other aspects of my past. I don’t want to cry in front of my son when he’s old enough to understand, and how it is I cry all the time, every time my mom gets to me, simply because I can’t deal anymore.

I get off from a ridiculously long day at work today, call her, and first thing she does is cuss at me over crap that I have no control over. It’s like this daily.

This is why I have no motivation to blog, my life is negative right now, except for Demetri, and I don’t want to be one of the mom’s who post every milestone online, one that annoys her readers with information about her son, so I try to avoid the subject, except in passing.

I don’t want to post negative posts, but my blog is my only outlet, and the only way I feel I have support. Lately feeling good enough, and feeling like I have anyone are rare occasions, so comments may help ?

Cold-Hearted, and I Don’t Care

Last night Erin and I had a very deep conversation, but before I get into that I am going to explain why I have been so MIA.

All of my readers know that I just recently had a baby, well that baby recently had RSV and was hospitalized for about a week. It was so hard. I also went back to work last week, which is stressful, but so worth it. I am not going to lie, I missed my job, I missed my boss, and I missed my awesome crew. I normally gripe that I hate my job, but I don’t, it just gets stressful. I am so happy to be back, and not just for the much needed paycheck.

Now onto, my deep conversation with Erin on gmail last night. I always say I have a hard life at home, but never explain why. Time to try to group my thoughts and explain. My mom seems to have some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. She screams, a lot, and never is really nice to anyone. She yells for stupid reasons, and lets her [27-year-old] son walk all over her. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but she is overall not a very good person. I made a huge discovery last night. I can’t find any love for her, anywhere, no matter how hard I search. I have pure hatred for her most of the time, and most people seem to think this makes me a cold-hearted bitch. Honestly, I don’t care what other people seem to think, the aren’t here when I’m getting told I suck, when I cook for her for hours and get yelled at if I do one thing wrong. She insults me, she has called me fat, and when I try to lose weight she buys me tons of junk food. She doesn’t support me in anything that I do, and I honestly am exhausted from it all. I want to raise my son to be the best he can be, and to know that I love him unconditionally no matter what mistakes he makes.

After this conversation, and Erin making sure I understood I am not cold-hearted, I crashed for the night, and woke up feeling almost like a new person. I fell asleep feeling emotionally exhausted, and still crying, but woke up feeling so much better. Then I remembered I can’t afford to move out, and am still stuck here for awhile, and my world came crashing, but now I know I just have to do everything I can to save money and get my son and I out of her house.

 

Please, no comments telling me I’m hateful, cold-hearted, or anything of the such. You don’t know the half of it, and you don’t put up with it 24/7. Thank you .

8 more days

Until May. Which is when I’m supposed to get back on track, which I am not prepared for. However, I have some free time this week, so have a feeling it’s time to finish planning. Including grocery list for first week of May, and then meal planning for the rest of the month. I have discovered my local library has loads of cookbooks, so I am slowly checking them out, and saving recipes I like to Microsoft Word. Then, I also have to decide what workout plan I want, and honestly I have no idea. I think I am going to do “The Starter’s Plan” which I pictured here. They also have Levels 1-3 that come with that,so may do Starters-Level 3 while working on my own plan. I know the Starter’s was enough to get my heart rate up, so it will be a start. With meal plans I am not calorie counting at all, that comes later on, first I need to get myself actually eating the right amount of foods a day. Seriously, I haven’t eaten 3 meals a day in ages, and this is something I need to work on. May will be a test month, June will be getting everything perfected. Honestly, my main goal right now is to have everything ready and in a routine by August. This gives myself a while.

 

I am going to go work on a grocery list for the first week, and going through these cookbooks. I will explain why I have been MIA later in the week, and will also post my plan as I develop one.

Skipped Weigh-In

Well, weighing it didn't happen today, but I have a reason. This week, Aunt Flo decided to visit, even though I asked her to wait a couple months after the c-section. She just never listens does she? She decided I needed junk food, and lots of it, and she didn't want none of that water stuff, she wanted empty calories and sugar via Diet Sunkist.

I know, I need to learn to kick her cravings, but this week I did bad, and between the eating and the bloating that naturally comes during this time of month, I gave up, and decided one week skipping the scale won't kill me. I am thinking of skipping the scale for the rest of the month, why? Because I can't afford grocery shopping, so am stuck eating what my mom buys. Uh yeah, you don't even wanna know lol, let's just say almost all of it is processed. I go back to work in less than a week, and May 2nd will be my first paycheck, making May easier to be on plan. Opinions? I may stay on the scale just to keep myself from gaining TOO much..hmm..

Weigh in; 4/3/2011

William and I woke up and forgot to weigh in until after we had drank some soda, so this number may not be completely accurate:

William: 144.6 (-1.6)

Caitlin: 200.6  (-1.2)

The Pain..

Okay, so lately I have kinda failed, but also had some victories at the same time. I feel like doing anything is a chore, even moving, because I am still in severe pain from my c-section. I have been told this isn’t normal, beings I’m 4 weeks post-partum, but I am just sucking it up until my 6 week appointment [April 15th], and then I will bring it up if it’s still bad. I still have some pain meds left, but when I’m out of these I know I won’t be able to get a refill, so hoping they last that long, because the Ibuprofen they gave me along with the pain meds don’t touch the pain..

I have been 90% sticking to the meal plans. April 1st my mom decided to have a cookout, so instead of our planned dinner we had that. On the 2nd, she offered to bring us home food from where she was, so instead of the planned dinner, we had that. For today we switched Thursday’s lunch with today’s because it’s what William is in the mood for, however it will not cost more money, so that is fine. I am really trying to work on budgeting. I want my credit score to go up, I was accepted for my first credit card and right now I am working on charging very little to it, and paying it off on time.

However, since I can’t go back to work until April 18th, almost all grocery’s are going on it. However I have enough saved for minimum payment, and my first paycheck will be going to paying it off. Trust me, the last thing I want is a bad credit rate, I see how it effects the rest of my family. I plan on doing this right.

Also, I agreed as part of Choose Your Own Challenge that I would drink 64 oz of water everyday in April. So far so good! As part of my own goals I decided to try to introduce working out into my life, even though I was unfit before my c-section, and with the pain of the c-section it is definitely not easy. I found this on Pinterest (my newfound addiction thanks to Chibi Jeebs):

I have done Day 1 & 2, and while it left me mildly breathless, showing me exactly how out of shape I really am, it has also left me feeling very proud of myself. There is also a Level 1, 2, and 3, which I will post when I get to them. I have been having to do the work-outs outside, which isn’t fun with the cold ground and crunches, but I will live. I think after Day 20 I will do a “physical fitness” type thing. Amazingly William is 100% supportive about everything. He is drinking 64 oz of water with me, despite him really not liking water, and he is doing the workouts with me. That, however, is for his own reasons. When we got together he was very fit, but he got off track when we moved in with my parents, and has gained quite a bit of weight, and lost most of the muscle he had, so he wants to get it back.. However, the starters ones are leaving him almost as breathless as me, so it’s good he’s starting out small . Oh and a question, what exactly are leg lifts? I am not quite to those, but I have realized I have no idea what they are. I have ideas, but am unsure, may have to google but figured I’d enlist in my trusty followers first..

Now, I should be sleeping, but after a stressful night with Demetri I am staying up to unwind a little bit, and the first step was blogging

Nature Vs. Nurture

Anybody who has taken even the most basic of psychology courses knows what nature vs. nurture is, but in case this isn’t you I will briefly explain it. Nature vs. Nurture is the likelihood of genetics or environment impacting the person you become, it is a debate that is normally right down the middle.

The normal way to test this is to find siblings whom were split up at a young age for whatever reason, and to compare their personalities. Think “Parent Trap” type thing.

I was never sure where I stood on this until I began to assess my own life. When I was around the age of 5, for whatever reason, my mother gave me to my cousin. At the age of 7, my cousin adopted me. I was with her until the age of 13, when due to some ignorant, and devastating circumstances, got given back to my mother. The main learning phases I was with my “step mom”, however my older brother was still with my biological mom. With me so far?

I still live with my mom, and honestly am to the point I can’t wait to get out. My brother thinks this lifestyle is completely normal, while I see the flaws in it. My environment influenced me deeply in the younger ages, because my personality, my intelligence, my motivation, and much more are different than my brothers. My brother is just like my mother, however I see very few similarities between myself and my mother. Of course there are a few, as genetics does account for a minority, however the majority comes from environment, and trust me, I am living proof. My mother and my brother have always been very obese, however I stayed very active the whole time I lived with my step mom, and when I moved back in with my mom I was normal weight. However the pounds quickly packed on, because I was always told I was anorexic, and was told I wasn’t eating right, because I didn’t finish my plate. Their favorite dinner is 3,000 calories for a bowl, I wonder why I didn’t finish it [/sarcasm].

The other day I asked my step mom a little about my childhood from where I couldn’t remember. I was greeted with some shocking, and upsetting facts. When I was 2 weeks old my mom was mixing jello packets into water, and putting it in my bottle and giving it to me. At 3 months old she was giving me mashed potatoes off of her finger. When my brother was 14 he went to school with an empty bread wrapper full of Little Debbie snack cakes, as his lunch. She had packed it for him.

Now? My brother goes through a box of nutty bars in one sitting. He is 100% addicted to sugar, and eats it nonstop. He is also over 300 pounds. You are telling me this is genetic? No. It stemmed from how he was raised, and the fact that I recognize this is wrong, that stems from being raised in a completely different environment.